a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
