Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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