omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
