I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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