Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
