she looked like the bat from fern gully.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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