You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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