I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
