Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
