When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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