Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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