It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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