Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
