and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
