I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
