i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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