My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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