I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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