Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
