I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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