I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
