my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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