My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
