mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
