Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
