There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
