I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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