Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
