Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
