i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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