this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
