no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
