We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
