I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
