So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
