Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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