He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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