Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
