My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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