My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
