There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
