Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
