Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
