he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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