I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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