shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
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