once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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