I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
