Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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