so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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