how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
